Myths Surrounding Adoption
“A birth mother who cares about her child would never consider adoption.”
A birth mother cares greatly for her child, which is why she sacrifices her own feelings and desires to give her child a better life. A woman who places her child for adoption does not do so because she does not care about her child but, rather, because she has come to a place where she understands that she is not able to give her child the life that she wants for him. This is often an emotionally painful process, and a sacrificial act on the part of the birth parents. Birth parent reasons for adoption include: lack of financial resources, value of a two-parent home, religious values, educational goals, lack of stability, age, and unreadiness to be a parent.
“If the birth parents want to visit the baby post placement, they will regret their decision and change their minds about the adoption.”
Birth parents are made aware that signing surrenders are final and irrevocable. Their decision cannot be taken back once they sign. If you witness birth parents being emotional during a visit, most likely you are witnessing the expression of grief, not regret. Remember, grief is a normal part of going through a loss. Most likely, seeing the baby with the adoptive family solidifies their adoption decision and helps them to see that their baby is loved and doing well.
“Open adoption means no boundaries or control for the adoptive family.”
After the adoption is finalized, the birth parents are at the mercy of the adoptive parents and many times fear that the adoptive family will discontinue contact with them. Birth parents are not known to show up at the adoptive parents house unannounced or expect to babysit the child while the adoptive parents go out. Open adoptions do not require that you live without rules - there should be appropriate boundaries established and maintained. Also, keep in mind that open adoption should be viewed as an opportunity for adoptive parents to extend themselves to the birth parents for the benefit of the child, not as an obligation that is acted on begrudgingly.
“Birth parents will eventually forget about the baby in time.”
Birth parents can never forget about the birth of their child and this should be not be expected or encouraged. Assuming that a birth parent will forget about their baby is like assuming that you would forget about the death of a parent or child. Healthy grieving eventually brings birth parents to a place where they can move on but this does not equal erasing the memory of their child, pregnancy, or birthing/hospital experience. Most of the time, these memories are very important for birth parents to hold on to as it reminds them of an important benchmark in their lives, the growth and sacrifice that they experienced and most importantly, the child that they brought into this world.
“Open adoption is confusing for the child.”
Every relationship has it’s challenges and the relationships in an open adoption triad are no different. However, healthy attitudes towards open adoption enhance the likelihood of healthy relationships. Most likely, open adoption will not be confusing for children if it is talked about openly, honestly, and consistently. Children form attachments to their primary caregivers (adoptive parents) and will not attach any more to birth parents than they would extended family members that they see on a similar basis. A child has a right to be informed about his/her family of origin and to maintain a relationship with them.
